you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
