they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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