i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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