im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
