he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
