I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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