If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Randomize
