do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
