this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
