I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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