and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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