It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
