you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
