I'm so fucking centered right now
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
