I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm both gender and math confused
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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