saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
