I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The feeling are messing with the penis
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
