I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The air taste purple.
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