mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We left the knife in your bed.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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