My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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