Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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