I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
