Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
