he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
