I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
