I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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