what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
