Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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