I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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