So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
