If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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