i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
