Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
