Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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