wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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