you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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