My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
