she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Houston, we have a blender
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
