My first STD was from a foam party
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
