Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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