shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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