Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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