He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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