some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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