Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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