Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
