I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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