Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
