i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
