I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
