Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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