Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
