and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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