Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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