I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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